Demented Ramblings of an Insane Mind

When i saw his picture, can´t help but feel sad for a while. I mean he was the first. the one who first made me believe that someone as ugly as me could be loved. He, the one who took care of me, comforted me and made me smile.

But of course that was short lived.

The time it took for me to move on was longer than the span of our relationship. It was painful. Heart breaking. ü

When the relationship ended, i was expecting it. but not enough to toughen my heart. He deserves a smile for handling it like a man. He made it clear that it was over. Of course i had hope. Literally i chased him because I wanted him to see I changed, I was willing to work it out, make up for my shortcomings. But he already had other plans….. with another girl.

Now that was one thing i felt that I didn´t deserve. He knew how important that event would be to me. Just seeing him with her was excrutiating, but giving her a bouquet of flowers when he didn´t even bother giving me a leaf? I didn´t bother going to that event. That would´ve been the first and only time Í´d ever experience a prom but it´s better than everyone looking at me pitifully.

That also added to my pain. As if losing him wasn´t enough. I also lost my so called friends. They blamed me for HIM leaving ME.

Geez. But the way i see it now. Maybe he really did love me. I can´t say i was the best girlfriend ever and i had a lot of short comings but he can´t say i never tried. Maybe he was fed up. Or he couldn´t handle it anymore. Maybe he went to her because he was trying to get over me because our relationship was not healthy anymore.

I now can´t help but wonder. What if we didn´t meet then? What if we met at another time and place where both of us are mature and sensitive enough to have a fulfilling relationship? What will happen? Will it last longer? I don´t know. We´ve never met since March. I don´t know what Í´ll feel, If ever i see him with another girl I don´t think I´ll get hurt because of it, I think I´ve moved on already. After all a long time has passed already. Maybe If he looks in my direction I´ll give him a smile. But that´s it.

I can´t say I´m happy now. But I can´t say I´m miserable. A lot has happened since then. I gained experiences, learnings, happiness and pain that made me grow.

Now if anyone would ask me would i take back that episode of my life. I won´t. It really hurt but it´s love. I think what we had was real. At least from my side of the equation.

Writing about this is very hard especially in a public blog. people might start spreading whispers again. But what i know is what i believe in. I know he doesn´t love me anymore. I very much believe that. In fact i don´t think i love him anymore either. But my respect remains, I am very sentimental. I will always fondly remember those memories because i considered them important, He made me smile and cry. He will always be my first love.

This is a no-holds barred blog but i’ll keep the names anonymous just for a wee bit of privacy. It’s not gossip, ’cause all of these happened. no sugar coating in this blog!…

First of all i would like to say this blog. (from now on) will be dedicated to all the people who thinks that im talking about them… Well i am.

Shhhh!!!…

I just bought this book called Chinese Cinderella by Adeline Chen, and it had nothing to do with the fact that I’m dating a Chinese guy right now =p, anyway. I’m so lucky ’cause this book was sold out for ages! Finally i was able to grab the last one in stock. Instead of adding digits to the exorbitant amount of money that i spend on clothes and cab fare, why not put it to good use and feed my starving brain instead?. tootles! =)

the big question keeps me sleepless.

Am i going to hell after this life?

So many things on my mind cramming me to make a decision, can’t say that it’s because i need fun. damn i had one of the best fun-adventure-trip-travel filled summer anyone could ask for. nbut all these aggravating thoughts are driving me mad. I’m a very secretive person, even though i’m all jolly-wolly. ugh, its 4am and i haven’t slept yet. what’s the reason? lexapro?. i need to reflect. not another party. to put things in order. and not lead that crooked mess i used to call life before. but anyway, i’m not drowning in misery. i just wanna get on a boat to corregidor, and this is the perfect excuse.

getting there friday or saturday

whenever time permits

5am. =)

your demented diva

yes its hard..

sooo hard!!!

but the fact that its possible has left me wondering why are there so many unemployed educated bums complaining that they cant find a decent job?.. well it aint easy for me but considering the fact that its illegal to hire me. i am barely educated have no experience whatsoever but i can still apply for menial scum paying jobs?

love is a poison. need i say more?..

i always knew this was coming. i thought i could take it. endure it for the meantime then while im tired of pretending i can somehow convince my heart that i have truly moved on. perhaps. but i forgot about something, what if im tired of pretending but my heart is still not set on moving on?. so here i am holding on, to what seems like a tiny branch on an endless abyss it pains me to hold on but still i am clutching tightly to my false hopes fully aware that i am slowly wasting my life away. i let go but then i was only dreaming cause i saw my hand still gripping tightly.. i can cry, mope, curse and blame other people for these even blame him but what good will it do? all that matters to me is myself and that is how it should be. i should take care of my heart knowing that it is capable of Love, the one that cares, accepts and endures. but how can i love someone who does not feel the same way? until i have truly let go of that branch eradicate all hatred and cleansed my soul of all resentment will i be able to achieve my much needed bliss. how i yearn for that time. now for the meantime i need not pretend. im not okay!!

It may be punishment for my utter lack of better judgement. My toes are dead and my feet are sore, I wish i have chosen comfort in lieu of fashion. but then again. i did want to look good.. i love it when im on high-heels, i can reach the sky and another thing. i have very ugly toes.. hmm.. but aching feet wont stop me from going where i need to go and throbbing pain is one compromise i have to endure to be extra confident.. but today i gave myself a break. i wore pink slippers to go out with a matching pajama ensemble i could’ve passed as a sleep walker! but no regrets! its ok.. i got to enjoy everything especially the blissful walks that calmed my nerves..

People are naturally born with a desire to be acknowledged by other people, everyone likes to be admired. They think their "original" views on the world will always mean much to others so they demand attention for their work. But much to everyone’s dismay people will not always give the kind of attention that you want, given the fact that they are people too and would also desire the attention each craves. So that’s why we have Blogs. People can pour out their innermost insights without fear of rejection or critisisms. You have your own ideal audience and all your ideas will be great and brilliant. Others, however, turn to Blogs as an outlet for their woes, a friend and comforter you can pour out your emotions on your blog with the security of no one else finding out because of your anonimity while logged in as a "pseudonym". Others have the sole intent of wanting to help. Others can get advice from those who experienced it first-hand, those people are better off doing websites. But now in the age of needing to keep up in the times. particularly common in the teens today, many people now use their Blogs just so they can be updated and not left behind. Perhaps this is an insecurity that is slowly turning the people’s mind into slaves to the trend. If you cannot keep up with the times you are rejected not because of your incapabilities but largely because of your indifference to following the crowd and everyone else. Well im sure not one of the latter!.. Happy Blogging!! =)